The #1 Mistake You’re Making When Giving Feedback in Emails—and How to Fix It

In today's digital workplace, email remains one of the most important tools for communication. Whether you’re managing a team, coordinating with colleagues, or liaising with clients, much of your communication likely happens through email. And while this medium is incredibly useful, it also presents unique challenges—especially when it comes to giving feedback.

One of the most common mistakes people make when giving feedback via email is directly telling someone that they made a mistake. While it might seem straightforward and efficient, this approach can have unintended consequences that harm relationships and reduce the effectiveness of your feedback.

Why Directly Pointing Out Mistakes is a Problem

When you directly tell someone that they made a mistake, you’re not just sharing information—you’re also sending a message about their competence and your perception of them. This can easily trigger feelings of embarrassment, defensiveness, or even resentment, which can damage the relationship you have with the recipient.

For example, imagine you’re a team leader, and one of your team members submits a report with an incomplete introduction. You might be tempted to write something like, “You didn’t complete the introduction.” While this statement is factually accurate, it can cause the recipient to feel embarrassed and defensive. They might feel that you’re questioning their competence or that you’re not considering the effort they put into the report.

These feelings can lead to a breakdown in communication. The recipient might become less open to your feedback in the future, more hesitant to ask for help, and less willing to collaborate with you. Over time, this can erode trust and make it harder for your team to work effectively together.

The Power of Indirect Feedback

Fortunately, there’s a simple yet powerful way to avoid these negative outcomes: address the mistake indirectly. Instead of pointing out the mistake directly, you can phrase your feedback in a way that allows the recipient to save face. This approach not only helps to maintain a positive relationship but also increases the likelihood that the recipient will be receptive to your feedback.

For example, instead of writing, “You didn’t complete the introduction,” you could write, “The introduction seems to be incomplete,” or “It looks like the introduction is incomplete.” These statements convey the same information, but they do so in a way that is less likely to cause embarrassment or defensiveness.

By avoiding the word “you” and focusing on the issue rather than the person, you allow the recipient to recognize the mistake on their own without feeling directly called out. This small change in language can have a big impact on how your feedback is received.

The Psychological Impact of Indirect Feedback

The effectiveness of indirect feedback is rooted in basic principles of psychology. When people receive feedback that feels like a personal attack, they’re likely to experience what’s known as the “fight or flight” response. This is a natural reaction that occurs when we perceive a threat, whether it’s physical or psychological.

In the context of receiving feedback, the “fight” response might manifest as defensiveness—arguing back, making excuses, or refusing to acknowledge the mistake. The “flight” response, on the other hand, might lead to avoidance—ignoring the feedback, withdrawing from communication, or disengaging from the task at hand.

Neither of these responses is conducive to productive communication or effective teamwork. When people are in a state of heightened emotional arousal, they’re less likely to process information rationally, and more likely to react impulsively. This can make it difficult for them to absorb your feedback and take constructive action.

By using indirect language, you can help to mitigate this reaction. Indirect feedback allows the recipient to process the information in a more neutral emotional state. They’re more likely to focus on the content of the feedback rather than the perceived threat to their self-esteem. As a result, they’re better able to consider your suggestions and make the necessary improvements.

Building Stronger Relationships Through Feedback

One of the key benefits of giving indirect feedback is that it helps to build and maintain strong relationships. When people feel respected and valued, they’re more likely to respond positively to feedback and be open to making changes. Over time, this can lead to a more collaborative and supportive work environment.

Here are some specific ways that indirect feedback can strengthen your relationships:

1. Increased Likability: People are more likely to like and respect you when they feel that you’re considerate of their feelings. By using indirect language, you show that you’re empathetic and tactful, which can enhance your likability.
2. Greater Honesty: When people trust that you’ll handle mistakes with care, they’re more likely to be honest with you. They won’t feel the need to hide their errors or cover up problems, which can lead to more transparent and effective communication.
3. Willingness to Help: People are more willing to go the extra mile for someone they feel a positive connection with. By maintaining strong relationships through thoughtful feedback, you increase the likelihood that others will be willing to support you and collaborate on future projects.

Practical Tips for Giving Indirect Feedback

Now that we’ve discussed the importance of indirect feedback, let’s look at some practical tips for implementing this approach in your email communication.

1. Focus on the Work, Not the Person: When giving feedback, make sure to focus on the task or the work product rather than the individual. For example, instead of saying, “You didn’t include the data analysis,” you could say, “The data analysis section seems to be missing.”
2. Use Neutral Language: Choose words that are neutral and non-judgmental. Phrases like “It looks like,” “It seems that,” or “I noticed that” are all good options. These phrases convey the information without implying blame or criticism.
3. Avoid Absolutes: Avoid using words like “always” or “never,” which can come across as overly critical. Instead, focus on the specific issue at hand. For example, instead of saying, “You never follow the formatting guidelines,” you could say, “I noticed that the formatting guidelines weren’t followed in this section.”
4. Ask for Their Perspective: After giving feedback, invite the recipient to share their perspective. This can help to open up a dialogue and ensure that your feedback is understood. For example, you could write, “I noticed that the introduction seems to be incomplete. Is there a reason why it was left out?”
5. Express Confidence in Their Abilities: After giving feedback, express confidence in the recipient’s ability to make the necessary improvements. This helps to reinforce a positive relationship and encourages the recipient to take action. For example, you could write, “I’m confident that you’ll be able to complete the introduction effectively.”

The Long-Term Benefits of Indirect Feedback

The benefits of giving indirect feedback go beyond the immediate interaction. Over time, this approach can lead to a more positive and productive work environment, where people feel valued, respected, and motivated to do their best work.

Here are some of the long-term benefits you can expect to see:

1. Improved Team Morale: When people feel that their contributions are valued and that their mistakes are handled with care, they’re more likely to feel motivated and engaged. This can lead to higher morale and a stronger sense of team cohesion.
2. Better Performance: When people are open to feedback and willing to make improvements, their performance is likely to improve over time. By giving feedback in a way that is constructive and supportive, you can help your team members to reach their full potential.
3. Stronger Trust: Trust is the foundation of any successful team. By handling feedback in a way that is considerate and respectful, you build trust with your team members. This trust can lead to more open communication, better collaboration, and a more positive work environment.
4. Enhanced Leadership: As a leader, your ability to give effective feedback is a key component of your success. By mastering the art of indirect feedback, you demonstrate emotional intelligence, empathy, and strong communication skills—all of which are essential qualities for effective leadership.

Real-Life Examples of Indirect Feedback

To further illustrate the power of indirect feedback, let’s look at a few real-life examples of how this approach can be used in different scenarios:

1. Scenario 1: A Missed Deadline
   • Direct Feedback: “You missed the deadline for submitting the report.”
   • Indirect Feedback: “It looks like the report was submitted after the deadline. Is there anything we can do to avoid this in the future?”
2. Scenario 2: Incomplete Work
   • Direct Feedback: “You didn’t finish the presentation.”
   • Indirect Feedback: “The presentation seems to be missing a few slides. Do you need any support to complete it?”
3. Scenario 3: Errors in a Document
   • Direct Feedback: “There are several errors in your document.”
   • Indirect Feedback: “I noticed a few areas in the document that might need some revisions. Would you like to review them together?”

In each of these scenarios, the indirect approach helps to convey the necessary information while minimizing the risk of causing embarrassment or defensiveness. This leads to a more positive and productive interaction, where the recipient is more likely to take the feedback on board and make the necessary improvements.

Overcoming Common Objections to Indirect Feedback

While the benefits of indirect feedback are clear, some people might have concerns about this approach. For example, they might worry that indirect feedback is too vague or that it doesn’t hold people accountable for their mistakes.

These concerns are understandable, but they can be addressed with a thoughtful approach to feedback. Here are some common objections to indirect feedback and how to overcome them:

1. “Indirect feedback is too vague.”
   • It’s true that indirect feedback can sometimes be less specific than direct feedback